Long time no see blogger

It has been a long long time since I have updated anything.  I apologize. 
I have been focused on family and myself and my businesses.

Since the last posting, here is what's happened. 

Camden is 11 now. Ashlyn is 5. I am now 33 and running 2 business ventures.  I am still sewing and upcycling several things. And I started a house keeping gig.  So I haven't worked for Lowe's in about 3 months. I loved my job there. Just wasnt appreciated. So I chose to be with the ones who appreciated me more. My kids and husband. 

Also,  we are going to be home owners finally.  And gradually becoming self sustainable.  We have 30 chickens and a garden.  We also have a compost. And we are playing with saving rain for the plants :-) we live in a smaller farming community.  So quiet and I love this life. The kids are happy here too.

I have a good life.  I didnt feel this way in my last posts.  I have learned to be happier.  For the most part. I do have my moments but im a female so its allowed.  ;-)

I have an app on my phone for this blog.  So I plan to use this as a daily or weekly journal.  Even if I talk to only myself here.  Im still getting it off my chest.  So...until next time...
I bid you farewell.

Sleep is calling. 

Good night!

its been a while....

So it has been a long time.....

I apologize. I have been busy. I am working at a job I love. And I have been running a business at the same time. My kids are growing like weeds. I have been learning so much. And I'm so happy with where I am. And who I am. Everything is fantastically well. This is a baby update....more to follow. I missed you blog.

Love,me

a breif history of jean derby

so, many of you know me well enough to call me your friend.
but only a few close friends know everything i have done in these last 30 years. let me share with you....

back when i was 18, i had a baby girl. i named her harmony lynn orbaker. she was a teeny tiny cutie pie of a baby girl too. well i didn't have alot of good things happening at the time for me. i was without a home, and a job, and my family was a broken one, so i was without a support system as well.


i made the toughest choice i ever made in my life back then. and by all means, i do not regret it. because she has had 12 years of everything she needed or wanted.

that is right, i gave her to a loving family. they were the most amazing people you could wish for. they have always loved her and supported her no matter what. and they have let me remain in her life. and she is fully aware of who i am. for that i am extremely grateful.

well, since the adoption happened, they changed her name to Hali Michelle Saracino. and she is now 12 years old. she likes to sing, and perform. last week, Camden and i went to see her in a play of Disney's MULAN. i kind of held back tears to find out she can sing. it made me so happy to hear her sing. i have always sung. no matter where i am i am singing. so i felt like that was a part of me she inherited, even though we don't live together. i was so proud of her, she did an amazing job.

Camden is in 4h, and on the 27Th we are taking a 4h trip to the new york state fair.
i decided to try my luck a few days ago. i called up her adopted mother. i got brave enough to ask if she could go with Camden and myself to the trip. now Cindy is one of the most incredibly strong women i know. i wish she was my mom. she told me my daughter was at a paramore concert but she'd let her know.

yesterday, my face book chat popped up with a message from Hali telling me she wanted to go. i am so happy that i get to spend the day with my mini me. that's the best news ever! in my book anyhow.


thanks for reading my random ramblings. i appreciate it.
and now you know something real about me.

years fly by

have you ever noticed how time flies?

i mean in everything i do it just goes by so fast. i never noticed it when i was younger. but now that i am older, i pay attention to those sort of things. because one day you're here and the next thing you know you're not. so this blog is in reference to that topic and how fast time passes.

my father passed 2 years ago this day. and although i don't cry as much anymore, i am still sad about it. but about a year ago, i decided to turn the mourning i had into a growing experience. i had decided to take better care of myself since my father passed. i want to be in this world as long as i can. i want to see my children grow up and lead happy lives. so i made changes. if i could say anything to my dad, it would be thank you i think. it took his death to make me want to live more. in a better way. if this sounds weird to you, i apologize. i will try to make sense.

my dad and i were extremely close. we did everything together. he was my number one best friend. he was funny, and although he did not have any degrees, he was so smart in his own ways. he and my mother divorced when i was 3, he decided he couldn't live with alcoholism any more. he still faced her on the weekends to pick me and my sister up. but she was the meanest ever to him. i remember her talking about my dad all the time to try to make us not like him. it slowly worked with my sister, but i never did, i loved my dad. he was always there for me if i needed him. no matter what. he dealt with alot in his years. he was a strong man. and he taught me to be strong. my mother's addictions caused her to be abusive towards her children. mainly myself. but i dealt with it. even today i deal with her abuse. i moved away from her at 17 and never went back. we didn't speak until i was 20. but i don't care for my mother too much. the child i would've been, was ruined by her. i grew up thinking i wasn't good enough and wondering why she didn't care about me. even though now I'm older i know it was not anything to do with me. my father taught me that. that is what i meant when i say it made me want to live more.

all my life i had these issues because of my mom. when i moved away from her, my father helped me see the truth to all of it. i am still working on my issues, but i have learned that i am not a bad person and that i am deserving of love. my father taught me alot of things in life. this is a photo of my dad. he was such a great man.



my father with camden when he was 3 months old.



he has even taught me in his death to be a better person. he has shown me the importance of not taking anything for granted and what it means to be there for my children. he has inspired me to take better care of myself so that i can be healthier. and as much as i miss him, i think i am finally okay with it. even though it took 2 years to say that.


~jean derby

i am void. let's see you try and fill me.

so these days, i have not been blogging. i have been sewing more,and spending little life outside my walls. my father passed away on easter sunday,2008.since his sudden death i have in a way wanted to live more.(hasn't happened yet) so i reallized that i need to take it day by day.

i have been thinking about my father alot the last couple weeks. i miss him a whole lot. i have no one to call in the middle of the night anymore. and i have no more coffee buddy. i have no one there for me as far as family is concerned. my mother has never played a very active part in my life. and my sister lives in texas.

my dad was always there for me. i don't know. i just really miss him. i miss his voice, his laugh and everything about my dad. he was my best friend. it has been since '08, and it is still making me cry to think of him or look at a pic of him. if anything reminds me of him, i lose it. i have been dealing with problems in my own life, and it use to be i called dad, or we would sit down with coffee and he'd be there helping me be sane. it's hard on me to do it without him.

i cry, but not out loud, i keep it to myself. i don't want anyone to see it. my son was very close with my father, so he has been talking about him non-stop the last few weeks as well. i think he is starting to have reallizations about death. and at 7yrs old i have to be strong for him. and help him through his emotions on the subject as well. it is very hard, in many ways we both lost our best friend that day. i have not actually given myself time to do any thinking about it other than missing him. i need to heal still. but it is hard.i just have no time for myself anymore. i do not resent my kids for that. i chose this life. i will just settle with blogging and expressing it here.even right now i cry. i can because i don't have to worry about my son seeing me.i just miss him.

i don't know why i have buried the feelings, maybe if i actually embraced the greiving, then it would be less hard on me. i don't know. i just felt like talking about it, that's all. i know that wherever my dad is, he would not want me to be sad, but i can't pretend it didn't phase me. some days i am fine and dont think of him at all. and then others i think of him every minute. i have had alot of things occur in my life since he left, both good and bad. but i have done it alone. and i know he'd be extremely proud of my children and all the ventures i have had since his passing. i just miss my father today. so thats all. simply said, i have a void. the end.

exhaustion is trying to break me.

so, i have been extremely busy the past few months. i have been doing a plethra of things. here is what i have done.

1-being a mom, to a 2 and 7yr old.
2-being a taxi for all the people in my life without a ride.
3-sewing and getting my website up and running.
4-still getting over the loss of my father.
5-dealing with alot of reallizations i have come to.

i have come to the conclusion after coming close to a breakdown that i need to take time out each day for myself. i have i have been attempting to 'work' on my issues for the past year and a half. i know alot of you who are positive thinkers are like "what issues?" but trust, they are there. so i have tried doing meditation, but it doesnt work. my house is not big enough to have a quiet room to myself to practice said meditation.

and i have been trying the affirming myself thing. (it has been good for other friends) yet i don't really buy what i have been telling myself each day. i have not had any time for myself in about 8 years. so i have alot of self doubt and insecurities that i need to let go of. i just never have the time to treat myself.
i live my life day by day for everyone else. it stops now. for i risk driving myself off a short pier...due to a brain exploding.

i just feel so beat down mentally that the physical part is now happening.
i don't know why. i felt the need to blog it out this morning.

this is not the ending, it's just the beginning...

about a month ago, my fam and i took a 4 hour road trip to the poconos in PA. the purpose of this trip was not a 'joy'ride, we were traveling to say goodbye. my husband's grandfather has had cancer for a long time. he has been a fighter all along. he was a great old man, the nicest guy i have ever met. he will be missed.

sunday night, we recieved word that he passed away. he said he was 'ready to go' to his daughter. then called his son and said 'thanks for being my son' then went to sleep for the last time. he was 89, and lived a full life. he was a great dad and grandfather and even a great grandfather. so, rephrasing the previous stated...he will be remembered in our hearts.

but the way i see it, it's not the end. i believe in reincarnation a bit,call me crazy, but i feel his soul will be born into another. he will be back.

i know that everything has to end, and this too shall pass. blah blah blah....
it's just a sad day in NY. my love goes out to the PA Derby's. sorry for the loss.
love to you all from us up here and see you soon.


take care till then...
im out
jean derby