Long time no see blogger

It has been a long long time since I have updated anything.  I apologize. 
I have been focused on family and myself and my businesses.

Since the last posting, here is what's happened. 

Camden is 11 now. Ashlyn is 5. I am now 33 and running 2 business ventures.  I am still sewing and upcycling several things. And I started a house keeping gig.  So I haven't worked for Lowe's in about 3 months. I loved my job there. Just wasnt appreciated. So I chose to be with the ones who appreciated me more. My kids and husband. 

Also,  we are going to be home owners finally.  And gradually becoming self sustainable.  We have 30 chickens and a garden.  We also have a compost. And we are playing with saving rain for the plants :-) we live in a smaller farming community.  So quiet and I love this life. The kids are happy here too.

I have a good life.  I didnt feel this way in my last posts.  I have learned to be happier.  For the most part. I do have my moments but im a female so its allowed.  ;-)

I have an app on my phone for this blog.  So I plan to use this as a daily or weekly journal.  Even if I talk to only myself here.  Im still getting it off my chest.  So...until next time...
I bid you farewell.

Sleep is calling. 

Good night!

its been a while....

So it has been a long time.....

I apologize. I have been busy. I am working at a job I love. And I have been running a business at the same time. My kids are growing like weeds. I have been learning so much. And I'm so happy with where I am. And who I am. Everything is fantastically well. This is a baby update....more to follow. I missed you blog.

Love,me

a breif history of jean derby

so, many of you know me well enough to call me your friend.
but only a few close friends know everything i have done in these last 30 years. let me share with you....

back when i was 18, i had a baby girl. i named her harmony lynn orbaker. she was a teeny tiny cutie pie of a baby girl too. well i didn't have alot of good things happening at the time for me. i was without a home, and a job, and my family was a broken one, so i was without a support system as well.


i made the toughest choice i ever made in my life back then. and by all means, i do not regret it. because she has had 12 years of everything she needed or wanted.

that is right, i gave her to a loving family. they were the most amazing people you could wish for. they have always loved her and supported her no matter what. and they have let me remain in her life. and she is fully aware of who i am. for that i am extremely grateful.

well, since the adoption happened, they changed her name to Hali Michelle Saracino. and she is now 12 years old. she likes to sing, and perform. last week, Camden and i went to see her in a play of Disney's MULAN. i kind of held back tears to find out she can sing. it made me so happy to hear her sing. i have always sung. no matter where i am i am singing. so i felt like that was a part of me she inherited, even though we don't live together. i was so proud of her, she did an amazing job.

Camden is in 4h, and on the 27Th we are taking a 4h trip to the new york state fair.
i decided to try my luck a few days ago. i called up her adopted mother. i got brave enough to ask if she could go with Camden and myself to the trip. now Cindy is one of the most incredibly strong women i know. i wish she was my mom. she told me my daughter was at a paramore concert but she'd let her know.

yesterday, my face book chat popped up with a message from Hali telling me she wanted to go. i am so happy that i get to spend the day with my mini me. that's the best news ever! in my book anyhow.


thanks for reading my random ramblings. i appreciate it.
and now you know something real about me.

years fly by

have you ever noticed how time flies?

i mean in everything i do it just goes by so fast. i never noticed it when i was younger. but now that i am older, i pay attention to those sort of things. because one day you're here and the next thing you know you're not. so this blog is in reference to that topic and how fast time passes.

my father passed 2 years ago this day. and although i don't cry as much anymore, i am still sad about it. but about a year ago, i decided to turn the mourning i had into a growing experience. i had decided to take better care of myself since my father passed. i want to be in this world as long as i can. i want to see my children grow up and lead happy lives. so i made changes. if i could say anything to my dad, it would be thank you i think. it took his death to make me want to live more. in a better way. if this sounds weird to you, i apologize. i will try to make sense.

my dad and i were extremely close. we did everything together. he was my number one best friend. he was funny, and although he did not have any degrees, he was so smart in his own ways. he and my mother divorced when i was 3, he decided he couldn't live with alcoholism any more. he still faced her on the weekends to pick me and my sister up. but she was the meanest ever to him. i remember her talking about my dad all the time to try to make us not like him. it slowly worked with my sister, but i never did, i loved my dad. he was always there for me if i needed him. no matter what. he dealt with alot in his years. he was a strong man. and he taught me to be strong. my mother's addictions caused her to be abusive towards her children. mainly myself. but i dealt with it. even today i deal with her abuse. i moved away from her at 17 and never went back. we didn't speak until i was 20. but i don't care for my mother too much. the child i would've been, was ruined by her. i grew up thinking i wasn't good enough and wondering why she didn't care about me. even though now I'm older i know it was not anything to do with me. my father taught me that. that is what i meant when i say it made me want to live more.

all my life i had these issues because of my mom. when i moved away from her, my father helped me see the truth to all of it. i am still working on my issues, but i have learned that i am not a bad person and that i am deserving of love. my father taught me alot of things in life. this is a photo of my dad. he was such a great man.



my father with camden when he was 3 months old.



he has even taught me in his death to be a better person. he has shown me the importance of not taking anything for granted and what it means to be there for my children. he has inspired me to take better care of myself so that i can be healthier. and as much as i miss him, i think i am finally okay with it. even though it took 2 years to say that.


~jean derby

i am void. let's see you try and fill me.

so these days, i have not been blogging. i have been sewing more,and spending little life outside my walls. my father passed away on easter sunday,2008.since his sudden death i have in a way wanted to live more.(hasn't happened yet) so i reallized that i need to take it day by day.

i have been thinking about my father alot the last couple weeks. i miss him a whole lot. i have no one to call in the middle of the night anymore. and i have no more coffee buddy. i have no one there for me as far as family is concerned. my mother has never played a very active part in my life. and my sister lives in texas.

my dad was always there for me. i don't know. i just really miss him. i miss his voice, his laugh and everything about my dad. he was my best friend. it has been since '08, and it is still making me cry to think of him or look at a pic of him. if anything reminds me of him, i lose it. i have been dealing with problems in my own life, and it use to be i called dad, or we would sit down with coffee and he'd be there helping me be sane. it's hard on me to do it without him.

i cry, but not out loud, i keep it to myself. i don't want anyone to see it. my son was very close with my father, so he has been talking about him non-stop the last few weeks as well. i think he is starting to have reallizations about death. and at 7yrs old i have to be strong for him. and help him through his emotions on the subject as well. it is very hard, in many ways we both lost our best friend that day. i have not actually given myself time to do any thinking about it other than missing him. i need to heal still. but it is hard.i just have no time for myself anymore. i do not resent my kids for that. i chose this life. i will just settle with blogging and expressing it here.even right now i cry. i can because i don't have to worry about my son seeing me.i just miss him.

i don't know why i have buried the feelings, maybe if i actually embraced the greiving, then it would be less hard on me. i don't know. i just felt like talking about it, that's all. i know that wherever my dad is, he would not want me to be sad, but i can't pretend it didn't phase me. some days i am fine and dont think of him at all. and then others i think of him every minute. i have had alot of things occur in my life since he left, both good and bad. but i have done it alone. and i know he'd be extremely proud of my children and all the ventures i have had since his passing. i just miss my father today. so thats all. simply said, i have a void. the end.

exhaustion is trying to break me.

so, i have been extremely busy the past few months. i have been doing a plethra of things. here is what i have done.

1-being a mom, to a 2 and 7yr old.
2-being a taxi for all the people in my life without a ride.
3-sewing and getting my website up and running.
4-still getting over the loss of my father.
5-dealing with alot of reallizations i have come to.

i have come to the conclusion after coming close to a breakdown that i need to take time out each day for myself. i have i have been attempting to 'work' on my issues for the past year and a half. i know alot of you who are positive thinkers are like "what issues?" but trust, they are there. so i have tried doing meditation, but it doesnt work. my house is not big enough to have a quiet room to myself to practice said meditation.

and i have been trying the affirming myself thing. (it has been good for other friends) yet i don't really buy what i have been telling myself each day. i have not had any time for myself in about 8 years. so i have alot of self doubt and insecurities that i need to let go of. i just never have the time to treat myself.
i live my life day by day for everyone else. it stops now. for i risk driving myself off a short pier...due to a brain exploding.

i just feel so beat down mentally that the physical part is now happening.
i don't know why. i felt the need to blog it out this morning.

this is not the ending, it's just the beginning...

about a month ago, my fam and i took a 4 hour road trip to the poconos in PA. the purpose of this trip was not a 'joy'ride, we were traveling to say goodbye. my husband's grandfather has had cancer for a long time. he has been a fighter all along. he was a great old man, the nicest guy i have ever met. he will be missed.

sunday night, we recieved word that he passed away. he said he was 'ready to go' to his daughter. then called his son and said 'thanks for being my son' then went to sleep for the last time. he was 89, and lived a full life. he was a great dad and grandfather and even a great grandfather. so, rephrasing the previous stated...he will be remembered in our hearts.

but the way i see it, it's not the end. i believe in reincarnation a bit,call me crazy, but i feel his soul will be born into another. he will be back.

i know that everything has to end, and this too shall pass. blah blah blah....
it's just a sad day in NY. my love goes out to the PA Derby's. sorry for the loss.
love to you all from us up here and see you soon.


take care till then...
im out
jean derby

cloudy daze

i'm sitting here looking out my window. it is very cloudy. i am packaging up a guitar strap i finished. i'm getting use to giving things to people. i don't mind it. i enjoy giving more than receiving. what can i say. lol...sounded bad there.
i don't do it to get anything in return, i enjoy making things and seeing them used. and when a friend enjoys them, it's even better to see. i guess i am just weird. i enjoy sharing what i do. if i didn't what's the point of it all?
kinda like you singing a song in an empty room...nobody hears it.

i have the best coffee this morning. i made the brew perfectly. so proud of myself.
also, as for last night, i suffered a 5 minute nicotine relapse at work, but i'm reading alan carr's book now. so it's all good. i also have some other things to change in my life...but kicking the butt is first. haha that was my joke of the day.

oh well. i had intentions of making a huge insightful blog, but i have given up. not till my brain is inspired will i get that done. i am at least getting the "blogging more" done.

i think i'm gonna mozy on down to the post office, and i'm not taking the car!
so there! how you like me now?!

also, my friend at work is going to give me guitar lessons. for ten bucks a week. woo! she is doing it bc she feels sad that ive owned the thing 2 yrs, and only know 5 chords. so she is going to school me. then i can do what i want to do when i'm not sewing. because honestly? do you think 30 is too old to go get a dream?

i promised my dad i'd try it. so i'm getting off my tuckus and doing it.

so....i'm out........

thoughts on my mind

so today i decided to attempt not smoking. i really hope to accomplish this goal. i'd hate to leave my children behind because of a dumb habit i began to "try to be cool" because honestly, i'm not any cooler with cigarettes. i'm just me, plain old jean derby. like it or not, here i am.

alot of things have been on my mind these days. in reference to children, camden, my son is 7 now. a first grader, who is smarter than i am. he is the best kid even though he does the little boy things that annoy the hell out of me. i love him alot. he is a smart, artistic, sensitive, caring, sweet little boy. i have done a good job raising him this long. and he is going to grow up to be a good man i believe. such a good kid.

since the school year began, he has made many friends. there is one boy, whom will be left nameless, that isn't raised as well. he walks about a mile or more to and from school daily, at the age of 7 all alone! this makes me feel sad. i don't know why anyone would let little kids walk alone these days. don't these parents watch the news? or they are just too oblivious to the it all to think it could ever be there child??

i don't get it. so i have volunteered myself as the little boys driver. i take him home every afternoon when i pick my son up. it was kind of sad when he tells me "my mommy doesn't want to come get me. she wants to use her computer, and stay home...i don't know why"

he has grown attached to camden and myself. and you can see the sadness inside this little boys eyes. it really bothers me. i wish i could help him be happier. but all i can do is make sure he gets home safe. i think since i have my own to look after, it makes me very sad to see people with children that don't do it like me. i know everyone is different. but why would you want a little boy to think you don't care?

the first grade class my son and his friend are in put on a show for earth day. this child's parents aren't involved in his school life either. i am always at functions and shows, and things he does. i was raised in the home where the parent "could care less" and i had alot of things happen in my childhood as a direct result of my mom's own parenting. as did my sister, but i am still shocked to see people do this to a kid. if a child at seven feels no one cares, then what does that say for his future?
will he even have one? and will he have problems in life as a result of the parenting he has now? it really makes me bothered. i don't know why. just does.

i think there are so many kids in the world without homes and parents. the people who have children take advantage of it. i may get driven crazy by my kids, but i cannot imagine them not in my life. i'd do anything for them. so many people don't get what a gift they have been given, and it is just very sad to me to watch it. to watch a kid grow up questioning his mother's love for him, makes me sad indeed.


moving on.....

ashlyn has discovered the velcro on her diapers. so all week, she has also been discovering the potty...lol
and she is doing well. i haven't done the whole training thing in a while. so i'm a tad bit rusty, and she is nothing like camden. she has attitude. cam was always mellow.it has taken some time to get use to. but she's a female, she's allowed to have a 'tude when she wants. ya know?

also, i am working nights now. and volunteering at an animal shelter once in a while. so i am good as well. busy.

so thats whats new this way.i have to hit the showers now. then make lunch and run some errands before picking up the boys. so sorry for rambling on and on, but that's how i vent. and the not smoking is giving me time to think, and makes me want to type it all down. so there ya go.

take care and have a loveley day.

memories come flooding back

hello blog, it sure has been a while. nice to see you.

so these days, i have not been blogging. i have been sewing more, and fishing, and spending life outside my walls. my father passed away in march, on easter sunday. so since his sudden death i have in a small way wanted to live more. so i reallized that i need to take it day by day and not plan out anything...EVER.

i have been thinking about my father alot the last couple weeks. i miss him a whole lot. i have no one to call in the middle of the night anymore. and i have no more coffee buddy. i have no one there for me as far as family is concerned. my mother has never played a very active part in my life. my dad was always there for me. i don't know. i just really miss him. i miss his voice, his laugh and everything about my dad. he was my best friend. it has been since easter, and it is still making me
cry to think of him or look at a pic of him. if anything reminds me of him, i lose it. but not out loud, i keep it to myself. i don't want anyone to see it. i don't know why, maybe if i actually embraced the greiving, then it would be less hard on me. i don't know. i just feel like talking about it, that's all. simply stated, i really miss my father. the end.


in other news....

i have been a slacker on finishing my website. i have had too many busy days and not enough free time to get'r'done. i apologize.

and i think i'm gonna go et another cup of coffee and go relax. my eyes are all welled up, so i have to go take it easy.

peace.
jean

new tattoo, new outlook

new tattoo, new outlook on my days in a sense.

i decided to be brave, and sit through a 2 hour long tattoo session last saturday.
originally, it was just getting some lyrics i love on me. but the more i thought about it, it means more than that to me. i think that is why i connect with the lyrics so much so to have them permantley imprinted in my flesh. so here is my new ink blot.


close up image...to get a better view.



"if i knew all the words, i'd write myself out of here."

one of the favorite songs i have, 0% interest, by jason mraz.
now all of his words and songs are good. but these particular lyrics stick out to me. i think in a way everyone can relate to it. but if you know me personally, you then know why i chose them. with all the stuff that has gone on in the last 29 yrs, (well nearly, i'll be 29 on 8-23) it was appropriate for me. and many people are like, "wow! it's rad!" and some are more like " a mraz tattoo...wow!"

i honestly don't care if people approve of what choices i make and how i decide to live my life. the point is, we all have the oppurtunity to think for ourselves these days. and while most of the world keeps there minds and eyes sealed air tight from the goings on in the world we live in....i do not! nor have i ever. i know what the real world is like and if you choose to go day to day worrying about what others might say/think about you...then prepare for much un-needed stress and drama in your sad lives. i personally am happy with every choice i have ever made. even the silly ones.

live as it is a learning experience, so be your own best teacher.
that's what i am striving to do. it only took 28 yrs to learn that, but i finally figured it out. and i'm finally happy with myself.

so go on and not like my tattoos, i honestly don't care.

and now i'm out to get some coffee and chores done!

peace,
jderby

I LOVE KARMA!!!!!!!! no really... i do :-)

here is what has been happening over my way.......


tuesday november 20th 2007




my car was involved in a wreck.
a 16 year old boy slammed on the brakes while my car was waiting at a stop sign and he slammed a 1985 plymouth grand fury into my driver side wheel/fender area. no one was injured in either vehicle. thank god.
but my car was disabled.

the wheel is now pointed to the engine, and the fender looked like crumbled foil when it gets unraveled. so it was taken away on a flatbed tow truck...and i was told to wait to hear news about the future driving of my first car. so i did.

thursday november22nd2007

thanksgiving day...dinner at in laws....
came home, had food poisoning i think. sick all night long.
shitty!!!


friday, november 23rd 2007

the phone rings, it is state farm calling to ask about a claim filed against me.
the same kid that hit my car, figured he'd say we hit him. so after about 45 minutes, i was told they had to get the police report before i get news about my car. thank you have a nice day pretty much. so i waited......


november .24-25th 2007~no progress at all....still i wait.....


monday, november 26th 2007

i call state farm.....to my suprise, no police report yet. so i take it upon myself to call the police dept. and have it faxed. within about 30 minutes my agent calls. she told me the news......

the 16 year old is at fault as per the report. and i had no worries about my car. if it gets totalled, i get a check. and she says i can get a rental from the kids company if i need to as well. (i dont need one) so now i wait for them to tell me if i will be able to drive my car again. or if i get a check for it.

i know it is going to be a few grand to repair the damages...
so most likely it will be a check. but justice was served either way. and i am glad that it worked out for the best. i was lucky to not have anyone hurt in the crash...and thanks to my good karma...it all came full circle.

just goes to show....you cannot be dishonest about anything.
karma is a bitch...and now that boy knows that. hehehee

so hope all of you had a happy thanksgiving. i am thankful for everything i have today.


peace.
and big huggys!
~jean

i guess that's why they call it the blues...

It started off an okay morning.

the snow was falling and camden was making me laugh while making tea and waiting for the big old yeller. well around tennish, things came undone, in a way.
i went from happiness to kinda down in a blink of an eye.

my water pump in my car is dying. and bills are due, so i cannot fix it right now.
and if it decides to die te whole way, i'm told i cannot drive it at all because all it will do is overheat badly and kill my car. so that is #1 sucky deal.

the #2 sucky deal for the day...
i have been tying to get a job in the last 2 weeks. i am currently waiting for the coffee place downtown to call me...but it is just making me sad waiting. keith is paying (or trying to pay) everything by himself. rent is due....car insurance is due and the other bills will be due soon....
so what the hell?!!

and he calls me and says..."my check wasn't enough to pay all the bills..."

so the snowy weather that made me happy this morning....

and now a few hours later, it's life that brings me down.

and now i'm off to make a cup of tea and meditate on it all for a long while.
maybe by doing so it will bring in some kind of light on the situation at hand.

i'm out~

tis the season

to be freezing!

it is very cold and chilly in upstate NY.
i think it was 27 when i woke up this morning. defeniteley cold.

and it snowed for like 5 minutes while i was driving yesterday.
it was crazy. last year it didnt snow here until late january.
and now it just may be a white town by turkey time.

and now im off for some more hot coffee and to turn the heat up a little bit.

p.s i miss you.

hugs from cold NY
i'm out!

halloween news...

in the world of camden.........

he was in a halloween parade on the 30th. there was a costume contest afterwards.

he won a 3rd place ribbon for his costume. he was a zombie. and very tired after all of it. but here is photos of him.

i've learned alot in 3 weeks....

so if you know me personally, you know that the baby is 3 weeks old now.



and you also know that i am out of practice with all the baby stuff. it has been nearly 6 years since camden was teeny tiny. so i kinda got rusty.



so in 3 weeks time, i have re-learned to be sleep deprived and have the night time to get my things done. such as cleaning...or showering. if i tried t do this in daylight hours, it wouldnt work. she stays awake most of the daytime. and when she finally does fall out, it's time to go pick up camden at school.



just impossible i tell you!



but all in all the new baby girl has been pleasant. she really doesnt cry too much. unless she's cold, or gets starving hungry. then she wails, but the rest of the time, you can find her relaxing and happy. she is a very mellow child.



there is a huge contrast when comparing ashlyn and camden. he is high strung. and wired and ready to be on the move. where ashlyn on the other hand loves to snuggle up and chill out most of the day. camden was a big crying baby for everything. she is not at all.



it's rather odd to notice the difference. but i guess it's normal.



so anyhow.. she is now 3 weeks old. and getting bigger and cuter.

see the attatched pic below.....

this is the face she makes when there is a guitar being played in her ears. she loves any and all music. she is going to be like me i do believe. i can hope so anyhow

October 12th

Last Friday morning I had an experience. Keith and I were driving along the road, and Had coffee as usual. and as many of you know i was scheduled to have a baby girl anytime.

she decided that Friday was a great day to be born. so i was taken to the hospital at 10:30a.m
after losing a lot of blood, and undergoing a surgery, she was born at 12:31pm. and she is the 3rd best thing that I've had happen.

the 1st of course was meeting Keith twelve years ago. and falling in love ten years ago.
the 2ND, was having Camden. he changed me. made me a better person, as well as a mom.
and then when she was born, i was made a better mom. life is good now. i can honestly say that.

we came home on Sunday afternoon. and although it was an experience that scared the bejeezus out of everyone, it all was worth it in the end. and she is beautiful.

her name is Ashlyn Clara Derby. (her middle name comes from my grandmother who passed away about 6 years ago.)

her big brother is in love with her, and so is everyone else that meets her.

here is a small video of her. ENJOY!!

more blogging later, my coffee's getting cold. so I'm out.

it is thursday... and very quiet in my home.

i am not use to this much peace here.

it's hard for me to drink my coffee with this lonely quietness around me.

so i will take my dog for a walk. he is laying on my toes right now...the big ox.

is it too much to ask?

i feel like i am getting older, but not any wiser.

i deal with so much more BS than i have to. and it is all for the sake of other's feelings. i am not a mean girl by any means, so i let hese things bother me and never say anything about it.

the bad thing is, i think the people are my friends, when in reality they only call when they need something. like a ride....or to use me for some other reasons.
now i don't mind helping anyone at any time with anything they need....
but a thank you or some form of gratitude would be nice. i don't ask to be repaid with money or favors...

all i want is some thanks once or twice.

ok, i am done venting about it... i need to go walk my doggy and a stop off to my coffee place :)

take care.