i mean in everything i do it just goes by so fast. i never noticed it when i was younger. but now that i am older, i pay attention to those sort of things. because one day you're here and the next thing you know you're not. so this blog is in reference to that topic and how fast time passes.
my father passed 2 years ago this day. and although i don't cry as much anymore, i am still sad about it. but about a year ago, i decided to turn the mourning i had into a growing experience. i had decided to take better care of myself since my father passed. i want to be in this world as long as i can. i want to see my children grow up and lead happy lives. so i made changes. if i could say anything to my dad, it would be thank you i think. it took his death to make me want to live more. in a better way. if this sounds weird to you, i apologize. i will try to make sense.
my dad and i were extremely close. we did everything together. he was my number one best friend. he was funny, and although he did not have any degrees, he was so smart in his own ways. he and my mother divorced when i was 3, he decided he couldn't live with alcoholism any more. he still faced her on the weekends to pick me and my sister up. but she was the meanest ever to him. i remember her talking about my dad all the time to try to make us not like him. it slowly worked with my sister, but i never did, i loved my dad. he was always there for me if i needed him. no matter what. he dealt with alot in his years. he was a strong man. and he taught me to be strong. my mother's addictions caused her to be abusive towards her children. mainly myself. but i dealt with it. even today i deal with her abuse. i moved away from her at 17 and never went back. we didn't speak until i was 20. but i don't care for my mother too much. the child i would've been, was ruined by her. i grew up thinking i wasn't good enough and wondering why she didn't care about me. even though now I'm older i know it was not anything to do with me. my father taught me that. that is what i meant when i say it made me want to live more.
all my life i had these issues because of my mom. when i moved away from her, my father helped me see the truth to all of it. i am still working on my issues, but i have learned that i am not a bad person and that i am deserving of love. my father taught me alot of things in life. this is a photo of my dad. he was such a great man.
my father with camden when he was 3 months old.
he has even taught me in his death to be a better person. he has shown me the importance of not taking anything for granted and what it means to be there for my children. he has inspired me to take better care of myself so that i can be healthier. and as much as i miss him, i think i am finally okay with it. even though it took 2 years to say that.
~jean derby
