so, many of you know me well enough to call me your friend.
but only a few close friends know everything i have done in these last 30 years. let me share with you....
back when i was 18, i had a baby girl. i named her harmony lynn orbaker. she was a teeny tiny cutie pie of a baby girl too. well i didn't have alot of good things happening at the time for me. i was without a home, and a job, and my family was a broken one, so i was without a support system as well.
i made the toughest choice i ever made in my life back then. and by all means, i do not regret it. because she has had 12 years of everything she needed or wanted.
that is right, i gave her to a loving family. they were the most amazing people you could wish for. they have always loved her and supported her no matter what. and they have let me remain in her life. and she is fully aware of who i am. for that i am extremely grateful.
well, since the adoption happened, they changed her name to Hali Michelle Saracino. and she is now 12 years old. she likes to sing, and perform. last week, Camden and i went to see her in a play of Disney's MULAN. i kind of held back tears to find out she can sing. it made me so happy to hear her sing. i have always sung. no matter where i am i am singing. so i felt like that was a part of me she inherited, even though we don't live together. i was so proud of her, she did an amazing job.
Camden is in 4h, and on the 27Th we are taking a 4h trip to the new york state fair.
i decided to try my luck a few days ago. i called up her adopted mother. i got brave enough to ask if she could go with Camden and myself to the trip. now Cindy is one of the most incredibly strong women i know. i wish she was my mom. she told me my daughter was at a paramore concert but she'd let her know.
yesterday, my face book chat popped up with a message from Hali telling me she wanted to go. i am so happy that i get to spend the day with my mini me. that's the best news ever! in my book anyhow.
thanks for reading my random ramblings. i appreciate it.
and now you know something real about me.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
years fly by
have you ever noticed how time flies?
i mean in everything i do it just goes by so fast. i never noticed it when i was younger. but now that i am older, i pay attention to those sort of things. because one day you're here and the next thing you know you're not. so this blog is in reference to that topic and how fast time passes.
my father passed 2 years ago this day. and although i don't cry as much anymore, i am still sad about it. but about a year ago, i decided to turn the mourning i had into a growing experience. i had decided to take better care of myself since my father passed. i want to be in this world as long as i can. i want to see my children grow up and lead happy lives. so i made changes. if i could say anything to my dad, it would be thank you i think. it took his death to make me want to live more. in a better way. if this sounds weird to you, i apologize. i will try to make sense.
my dad and i were extremely close. we did everything together. he was my number one best friend. he was funny, and although he did not have any degrees, he was so smart in his own ways. he and my mother divorced when i was 3, he decided he couldn't live with alcoholism any more. he still faced her on the weekends to pick me and my sister up. but she was the meanest ever to him. i remember her talking about my dad all the time to try to make us not like him. it slowly worked with my sister, but i never did, i loved my dad. he was always there for me if i needed him. no matter what. he dealt with alot in his years. he was a strong man. and he taught me to be strong. my mother's addictions caused her to be abusive towards her children. mainly myself. but i dealt with it. even today i deal with her abuse. i moved away from her at 17 and never went back. we didn't speak until i was 20. but i don't care for my mother too much. the child i would've been, was ruined by her. i grew up thinking i wasn't good enough and wondering why she didn't care about me. even though now I'm older i know it was not anything to do with me. my father taught me that. that is what i meant when i say it made me want to live more.
all my life i had these issues because of my mom. when i moved away from her, my father helped me see the truth to all of it. i am still working on my issues, but i have learned that i am not a bad person and that i am deserving of love. my father taught me alot of things in life. this is a photo of my dad. he was such a great man.
my father with camden when he was 3 months old.
he has even taught me in his death to be a better person. he has shown me the importance of not taking anything for granted and what it means to be there for my children. he has inspired me to take better care of myself so that i can be healthier. and as much as i miss him, i think i am finally okay with it. even though it took 2 years to say that.
~jean derby
i mean in everything i do it just goes by so fast. i never noticed it when i was younger. but now that i am older, i pay attention to those sort of things. because one day you're here and the next thing you know you're not. so this blog is in reference to that topic and how fast time passes.
my father passed 2 years ago this day. and although i don't cry as much anymore, i am still sad about it. but about a year ago, i decided to turn the mourning i had into a growing experience. i had decided to take better care of myself since my father passed. i want to be in this world as long as i can. i want to see my children grow up and lead happy lives. so i made changes. if i could say anything to my dad, it would be thank you i think. it took his death to make me want to live more. in a better way. if this sounds weird to you, i apologize. i will try to make sense.
my dad and i were extremely close. we did everything together. he was my number one best friend. he was funny, and although he did not have any degrees, he was so smart in his own ways. he and my mother divorced when i was 3, he decided he couldn't live with alcoholism any more. he still faced her on the weekends to pick me and my sister up. but she was the meanest ever to him. i remember her talking about my dad all the time to try to make us not like him. it slowly worked with my sister, but i never did, i loved my dad. he was always there for me if i needed him. no matter what. he dealt with alot in his years. he was a strong man. and he taught me to be strong. my mother's addictions caused her to be abusive towards her children. mainly myself. but i dealt with it. even today i deal with her abuse. i moved away from her at 17 and never went back. we didn't speak until i was 20. but i don't care for my mother too much. the child i would've been, was ruined by her. i grew up thinking i wasn't good enough and wondering why she didn't care about me. even though now I'm older i know it was not anything to do with me. my father taught me that. that is what i meant when i say it made me want to live more.
all my life i had these issues because of my mom. when i moved away from her, my father helped me see the truth to all of it. i am still working on my issues, but i have learned that i am not a bad person and that i am deserving of love. my father taught me alot of things in life. this is a photo of my dad. he was such a great man.
my father with camden when he was 3 months old.
he has even taught me in his death to be a better person. he has shown me the importance of not taking anything for granted and what it means to be there for my children. he has inspired me to take better care of myself so that i can be healthier. and as much as i miss him, i think i am finally okay with it. even though it took 2 years to say that.
~jean derby
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