i am void. let's see you try and fill me.

so these days, i have not been blogging. i have been sewing more,and spending little life outside my walls. my father passed away on easter sunday,2008.since his sudden death i have in a way wanted to live more.(hasn't happened yet) so i reallized that i need to take it day by day.

i have been thinking about my father alot the last couple weeks. i miss him a whole lot. i have no one to call in the middle of the night anymore. and i have no more coffee buddy. i have no one there for me as far as family is concerned. my mother has never played a very active part in my life. and my sister lives in texas.

my dad was always there for me. i don't know. i just really miss him. i miss his voice, his laugh and everything about my dad. he was my best friend. it has been since '08, and it is still making me cry to think of him or look at a pic of him. if anything reminds me of him, i lose it. i have been dealing with problems in my own life, and it use to be i called dad, or we would sit down with coffee and he'd be there helping me be sane. it's hard on me to do it without him.

i cry, but not out loud, i keep it to myself. i don't want anyone to see it. my son was very close with my father, so he has been talking about him non-stop the last few weeks as well. i think he is starting to have reallizations about death. and at 7yrs old i have to be strong for him. and help him through his emotions on the subject as well. it is very hard, in many ways we both lost our best friend that day. i have not actually given myself time to do any thinking about it other than missing him. i need to heal still. but it is hard.i just have no time for myself anymore. i do not resent my kids for that. i chose this life. i will just settle with blogging and expressing it here.even right now i cry. i can because i don't have to worry about my son seeing me.i just miss him.

i don't know why i have buried the feelings, maybe if i actually embraced the greiving, then it would be less hard on me. i don't know. i just felt like talking about it, that's all. i know that wherever my dad is, he would not want me to be sad, but i can't pretend it didn't phase me. some days i am fine and dont think of him at all. and then others i think of him every minute. i have had alot of things occur in my life since he left, both good and bad. but i have done it alone. and i know he'd be extremely proud of my children and all the ventures i have had since his passing. i just miss my father today. so thats all. simply said, i have a void. the end.

exhaustion is trying to break me.

so, i have been extremely busy the past few months. i have been doing a plethra of things. here is what i have done.

1-being a mom, to a 2 and 7yr old.
2-being a taxi for all the people in my life without a ride.
3-sewing and getting my website up and running.
4-still getting over the loss of my father.
5-dealing with alot of reallizations i have come to.

i have come to the conclusion after coming close to a breakdown that i need to take time out each day for myself. i have i have been attempting to 'work' on my issues for the past year and a half. i know alot of you who are positive thinkers are like "what issues?" but trust, they are there. so i have tried doing meditation, but it doesnt work. my house is not big enough to have a quiet room to myself to practice said meditation.

and i have been trying the affirming myself thing. (it has been good for other friends) yet i don't really buy what i have been telling myself each day. i have not had any time for myself in about 8 years. so i have alot of self doubt and insecurities that i need to let go of. i just never have the time to treat myself.
i live my life day by day for everyone else. it stops now. for i risk driving myself off a short pier...due to a brain exploding.

i just feel so beat down mentally that the physical part is now happening.
i don't know why. i felt the need to blog it out this morning.

this is not the ending, it's just the beginning...

about a month ago, my fam and i took a 4 hour road trip to the poconos in PA. the purpose of this trip was not a 'joy'ride, we were traveling to say goodbye. my husband's grandfather has had cancer for a long time. he has been a fighter all along. he was a great old man, the nicest guy i have ever met. he will be missed.

sunday night, we recieved word that he passed away. he said he was 'ready to go' to his daughter. then called his son and said 'thanks for being my son' then went to sleep for the last time. he was 89, and lived a full life. he was a great dad and grandfather and even a great grandfather. so, rephrasing the previous stated...he will be remembered in our hearts.

but the way i see it, it's not the end. i believe in reincarnation a bit,call me crazy, but i feel his soul will be born into another. he will be back.

i know that everything has to end, and this too shall pass. blah blah blah....
it's just a sad day in NY. my love goes out to the PA Derby's. sorry for the loss.
love to you all from us up here and see you soon.


take care till then...
im out
jean derby

cloudy daze

i'm sitting here looking out my window. it is very cloudy. i am packaging up a guitar strap i finished. i'm getting use to giving things to people. i don't mind it. i enjoy giving more than receiving. what can i say. lol...sounded bad there.
i don't do it to get anything in return, i enjoy making things and seeing them used. and when a friend enjoys them, it's even better to see. i guess i am just weird. i enjoy sharing what i do. if i didn't what's the point of it all?
kinda like you singing a song in an empty room...nobody hears it.

i have the best coffee this morning. i made the brew perfectly. so proud of myself.
also, as for last night, i suffered a 5 minute nicotine relapse at work, but i'm reading alan carr's book now. so it's all good. i also have some other things to change in my life...but kicking the butt is first. haha that was my joke of the day.

oh well. i had intentions of making a huge insightful blog, but i have given up. not till my brain is inspired will i get that done. i am at least getting the "blogging more" done.

i think i'm gonna mozy on down to the post office, and i'm not taking the car!
so there! how you like me now?!

also, my friend at work is going to give me guitar lessons. for ten bucks a week. woo! she is doing it bc she feels sad that ive owned the thing 2 yrs, and only know 5 chords. so she is going to school me. then i can do what i want to do when i'm not sewing. because honestly? do you think 30 is too old to go get a dream?

i promised my dad i'd try it. so i'm getting off my tuckus and doing it.

so....i'm out........

thoughts on my mind

so today i decided to attempt not smoking. i really hope to accomplish this goal. i'd hate to leave my children behind because of a dumb habit i began to "try to be cool" because honestly, i'm not any cooler with cigarettes. i'm just me, plain old jean derby. like it or not, here i am.

alot of things have been on my mind these days. in reference to children, camden, my son is 7 now. a first grader, who is smarter than i am. he is the best kid even though he does the little boy things that annoy the hell out of me. i love him alot. he is a smart, artistic, sensitive, caring, sweet little boy. i have done a good job raising him this long. and he is going to grow up to be a good man i believe. such a good kid.

since the school year began, he has made many friends. there is one boy, whom will be left nameless, that isn't raised as well. he walks about a mile or more to and from school daily, at the age of 7 all alone! this makes me feel sad. i don't know why anyone would let little kids walk alone these days. don't these parents watch the news? or they are just too oblivious to the it all to think it could ever be there child??

i don't get it. so i have volunteered myself as the little boys driver. i take him home every afternoon when i pick my son up. it was kind of sad when he tells me "my mommy doesn't want to come get me. she wants to use her computer, and stay home...i don't know why"

he has grown attached to camden and myself. and you can see the sadness inside this little boys eyes. it really bothers me. i wish i could help him be happier. but all i can do is make sure he gets home safe. i think since i have my own to look after, it makes me very sad to see people with children that don't do it like me. i know everyone is different. but why would you want a little boy to think you don't care?

the first grade class my son and his friend are in put on a show for earth day. this child's parents aren't involved in his school life either. i am always at functions and shows, and things he does. i was raised in the home where the parent "could care less" and i had alot of things happen in my childhood as a direct result of my mom's own parenting. as did my sister, but i am still shocked to see people do this to a kid. if a child at seven feels no one cares, then what does that say for his future?
will he even have one? and will he have problems in life as a result of the parenting he has now? it really makes me bothered. i don't know why. just does.

i think there are so many kids in the world without homes and parents. the people who have children take advantage of it. i may get driven crazy by my kids, but i cannot imagine them not in my life. i'd do anything for them. so many people don't get what a gift they have been given, and it is just very sad to me to watch it. to watch a kid grow up questioning his mother's love for him, makes me sad indeed.


moving on.....

ashlyn has discovered the velcro on her diapers. so all week, she has also been discovering the potty...lol
and she is doing well. i haven't done the whole training thing in a while. so i'm a tad bit rusty, and she is nothing like camden. she has attitude. cam was always mellow.it has taken some time to get use to. but she's a female, she's allowed to have a 'tude when she wants. ya know?

also, i am working nights now. and volunteering at an animal shelter once in a while. so i am good as well. busy.

so thats whats new this way.i have to hit the showers now. then make lunch and run some errands before picking up the boys. so sorry for rambling on and on, but that's how i vent. and the not smoking is giving me time to think, and makes me want to type it all down. so there ya go.

take care and have a loveley day.