i am void. let's see you try and fill me.

so these days, i have not been blogging. i have been sewing more,and spending little life outside my walls. my father passed away on easter sunday,2008.since his sudden death i have in a way wanted to live more.(hasn't happened yet) so i reallized that i need to take it day by day.

i have been thinking about my father alot the last couple weeks. i miss him a whole lot. i have no one to call in the middle of the night anymore. and i have no more coffee buddy. i have no one there for me as far as family is concerned. my mother has never played a very active part in my life. and my sister lives in texas.

my dad was always there for me. i don't know. i just really miss him. i miss his voice, his laugh and everything about my dad. he was my best friend. it has been since '08, and it is still making me cry to think of him or look at a pic of him. if anything reminds me of him, i lose it. i have been dealing with problems in my own life, and it use to be i called dad, or we would sit down with coffee and he'd be there helping me be sane. it's hard on me to do it without him.

i cry, but not out loud, i keep it to myself. i don't want anyone to see it. my son was very close with my father, so he has been talking about him non-stop the last few weeks as well. i think he is starting to have reallizations about death. and at 7yrs old i have to be strong for him. and help him through his emotions on the subject as well. it is very hard, in many ways we both lost our best friend that day. i have not actually given myself time to do any thinking about it other than missing him. i need to heal still. but it is hard.i just have no time for myself anymore. i do not resent my kids for that. i chose this life. i will just settle with blogging and expressing it here.even right now i cry. i can because i don't have to worry about my son seeing me.i just miss him.

i don't know why i have buried the feelings, maybe if i actually embraced the greiving, then it would be less hard on me. i don't know. i just felt like talking about it, that's all. i know that wherever my dad is, he would not want me to be sad, but i can't pretend it didn't phase me. some days i am fine and dont think of him at all. and then others i think of him every minute. i have had alot of things occur in my life since he left, both good and bad. but i have done it alone. and i know he'd be extremely proud of my children and all the ventures i have had since his passing. i just miss my father today. so thats all. simply said, i have a void. the end.